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someone like you
Nov. 21st, 2014 02:57 amthis sort of online diary-ing has mostly been lost, but i might as well give it a chance for myself as i think about where i belong, if i need to go back to rehab, whatever.
the honest truth is that i've relapsed. i took a drink and then sneaked more into my room. the 12-step program tries to tell me i have a disease, but i know it's a fundamental flaw and weakness that i have to overcome in my personality. i refuse to look at it as something i'm powerless to or can't help.
what does life mean for someone like me though? what does love mean? i am damaged and malfunctioning. i don't want to entrap or entangle anyone in this horrid and shitty life, let alone throw my baggage on them. i don't want to cloud someone's time, i don't want to be a regret they look back on. i don't want to be the crazy unstable bitch. i want none of this, especially not for anyone i grow to care.
so what is life for someone like me? i'm hurting and lonely. my heart aches for someone, or maybe the dream of someone that i have, to get close and to build something beautiful. but i can't. i don't have the components to nourish anything right now let alone nurture it to an expressed growth. i feel like i've cursed myself to be alone. it hurts to pull away. it hurts to not take opportunities for happiness. but to someone like me, happiness has been addicting to the point where i seek it out in substance abuse and actual abuse.
i'm not romanticizing myself. the truth of the matter is, someone like that very special person -- with their powerful presence and great mind and adorable personality -- needs someone normal and sober and laid back. the only way i can be that person is to step away and only give out glimpses in fragments of my person, not the entirety of its ugliness.
i have great friends that i have to pull away from for this reason as well. i'm scared of letting go. i've had to let go of so much in my life, i've had someone i loved torn from me and i had to let go of many old dreams and hopes and it hurts every time i let go a little bit more. i don't want to let go anymore. but i still have to, because i'm still this person. this piece of work.
i just want to be normal. i hope i can be someday, and then feel worthwhile.
the honest truth is that i've relapsed. i took a drink and then sneaked more into my room. the 12-step program tries to tell me i have a disease, but i know it's a fundamental flaw and weakness that i have to overcome in my personality. i refuse to look at it as something i'm powerless to or can't help.
what does life mean for someone like me though? what does love mean? i am damaged and malfunctioning. i don't want to entrap or entangle anyone in this horrid and shitty life, let alone throw my baggage on them. i don't want to cloud someone's time, i don't want to be a regret they look back on. i don't want to be the crazy unstable bitch. i want none of this, especially not for anyone i grow to care.
so what is life for someone like me? i'm hurting and lonely. my heart aches for someone, or maybe the dream of someone that i have, to get close and to build something beautiful. but i can't. i don't have the components to nourish anything right now let alone nurture it to an expressed growth. i feel like i've cursed myself to be alone. it hurts to pull away. it hurts to not take opportunities for happiness. but to someone like me, happiness has been addicting to the point where i seek it out in substance abuse and actual abuse.
i'm not romanticizing myself. the truth of the matter is, someone like that very special person -- with their powerful presence and great mind and adorable personality -- needs someone normal and sober and laid back. the only way i can be that person is to step away and only give out glimpses in fragments of my person, not the entirety of its ugliness.
i have great friends that i have to pull away from for this reason as well. i'm scared of letting go. i've had to let go of so much in my life, i've had someone i loved torn from me and i had to let go of many old dreams and hopes and it hurts every time i let go a little bit more. i don't want to let go anymore. but i still have to, because i'm still this person. this piece of work.
i just want to be normal. i hope i can be someday, and then feel worthwhile.
